Friday, 22 September 2017

No Major Missing. (Diary Logs #3)

Hello Readers! Here goes the third post in the diary logs post! The second one is still my favourite! Again, let me tell you all, these posts are purely fictional. Read through this one & tell me how you feel!


Dear Diary,
I saw a photo on Instagram the other day. Two girl best friends on a road trip captioned 'Day 42'. I stared into thin air after reading that. I thought about doing it. Then I realised there isn't a single person with whom I'd want to go travel the world. Not a one. And the worst thing is I don't feel anything about it. I don't have any friends & I don't miss the ones I had. I guess travelling round the world solo would be much more fun than doing it with someone, but how would I know, I never had a best friend...

I don't miss anything anymore. Everything has changed. I'm not the same, in the least.
I have the same circle of people I had before but something has changed. I don't feel connected with them and that's fine because I don't care. I won't miss them. I haven't met a few ex-colleagues with whom I've shared a lot of moments & that's fine too because it doesn't seem to bother me.
The days when I couldn't stay still 2 days are gone. I can stay still forever, like a walking corpse & it doesn't matter. I'm not missing out living because there's nothing to it. There's no major & no missing, because there's barely anything to live, really.

I wish I was capable of human emotions like everybody else, but I guess I know better. My heart doesn't go out to a crying baby. I don't cry when anyone dies. I don't feel happy when my Amazon order comes before the expected date. I don't cringe if someone is cutting a dead or live body in films or real life. I don't feel the danger while speeding my car. I don't invest my emotions in ice cream & romantic movies, because it just doesn't make any sense. Neither do I pray or hope for a miracle, because I've seen worse & know better than to expect the unexpected.

I won't feel much if I see someone jump off a building to commit suicide. I won't feel much if I see some victims being rescued. I won't feel much about anything because whatever that can happen, has happened with me, and I have lived through whatever worst imaginations you can think of. So yes, there's no major missing. There are no feelings left. I am barely left.
Am I sane? Yes.
Am I alive? Doubtful.
Does it matter?

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