Sunday, 21 January 2018

Do It Like the World Is Watching. (Diary Logs #12)

Hello Readers!! This is my 3rd post in 3rd week and I think I'll be able to blog once a week with a Diary Logs post. And that makes me really happy! The idea for this article came to me after I wrote my last article. I just had this feeling that if everyone is going to read what I write, then it's my job to make it good! So, here we go!

PS: Diary Logs series is an art of fiction. (Maybe except for this one.)


Dear Diary,
Be it a movie, book, technology, painting, song. It takes time & effort to reach to that optimal stage where you have set your targets. Somehow, you know it will be vital because people are going to watch that movie, read that book, use that technology, listen to that music & probably find existential purpose in that painting! Some people live by one quote their entire life. Others have their go-to place in case when messed up life strikes. And that's either an isolated park or some crowded coffee place. For a few, they believe so much in some movie, that it makes them want to believe in fate! So yes, I believe that when world is going to watch what you have made, I think the sense of responsibility strikes way high up!

I remember when I read & watched 'The Circle'. They have shown how important being transparent is in this world. So, when the protagonist steals/borrows a kayak without asking, it is later on shown how she wouldn't have done it if someone was watching. So, they provide her a 24*7 camera thingy to ensure full transparency. So, I think maybe she had to think twice before doing something or even saying something. Thank God, they didn't have chips implanted in her brain to know what she's thinking as well! It's scary, isn't it?

So, when I thought about it, I felt the same way. I felt like there are 100 different things that I won't do & on another hand, 100 different things that I would start doing if I was being constantly monitored. Maybe I'd workout more regularly. Maybe I'll put a pause before taking a quick nap at work. Maybe I'll watch that 2nd plate of whatever I'm eating. More importantly, on a higher level, I realised that if people are reading my blog, I must put out something good every week. It shouldn't be something that I need to do only for the sake of it. There needs to be more thought. There need to be more dimensions to it. Because, what if someone comes across my blog and the first post they see is something crap? Not done, right? So, yes, there's a lot of more responsibility than I thought. And I'm trying here… to give the best. So, I'm going to pretend that Modi or Obama are reading this & write something worth reading. Worth those 5 minutes, I suppose.

And that's what we should do with our lives. Live it like we're worth our existence. Make the most out of them. Because in this case, even if no one's watching, you will watch. You will know what you did or did not know. Your inner self will always know. So, yes, make your life worth it, at least for your own sake.

Until next time,

Monday, 15 January 2018

Silence : Powerful or Weak? (Diary Logs #11)

Hello Readers! I needed to think a bit on this one & was quite optimistic about it. Would love your opinions as well!
PS: This series is an art of fiction.


Dear Diary,

“There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”
“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.”
“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.”
“I think a lot, but I don’t say much.”

I have read so many quotes & articles about silence. People who don't speak much are supposed to be thinkers as opposed to those who cannot keep their mouths shut. People who are 'intellectuals' tend to think before speaking. Such people are the ones who talk about solitude and the power of silence. You may also know about being alone to recharge. You may know people referring to this type as 'introverts'.

I liked to think that I was among those. I liked to think that I was a so-called intellectual. Because it definitely sounds better than being a blabber mouth, right? But, then, the other day, I was sitting with some people and they wanted my opinion on something. It was miniscule; something about what to gift or what to plan for a birthday or thoughts on the latest TV show they had watched. And I wasn't sure what to say. Complete blank. That was the time I realised something… Have I just conveniently put myself in the 'non-speaker' category because of lack of thoughts rather than more thereof. Do I dislike communicating because I don't have my own opinions at all? Do I have any belief system even? Am I just wired to think about some things just because I am supposed to? Or do I just always go along with what someone else just said? It really bothered me that I wasn't in the above mentioned category, but more importantly it bothered me because all of a sudden, I saw this huge existential question forming in my head : Who am I?

Since childhood we are taught between right or wrong, good or evil, yes or no. But, there should be more to it, must be. Quoting from a TV show, “Things are not just black & white. Things are more complicated than that.” Again, I’m thinking upon what someone else said in some show. But, what is beyond this basic ‘this or that’ notion? Is that what we are supposed to unearth by ourselves? And how the hell are we supposed to do that at age 27?

 I know what needs to be done. I need to understand that what I think isn't just because it’s what everyone feels, but because that is actually my say? I need to read things or listen to random conversations and decide. Form an opinion. I need to understand myself, am I really focussing power of silence or is that an easy way out because of my weakness. I need my own opinions in a world where everything is practically spoon-fed. I need to know what is my perspective on specific matters like feminism or right to abortion or politics. I need to know what would be my call if two unhappy people are getting a divorce. I need to know what to think if someone is taking a break from their career to start a family. I need to know if I support the LGBTQ community for real or only because I’m supposed to. I need to know what to think about people who choose to stay in an open marriage. I need to know what to think about people who drink and smoke when they are depressed. I want to know whether to take it as healthy criticism or know people’s real intentions. I need the answers to all the questions that form in my head without being judgemental! Most importantly, I need to understand whether I want to live the way I am living or I want to do something that matters. I need my own opinion. I need my voice. On everything. Because, I am my own individuality and because I matter.

Until next time,

Monday, 8 January 2018

That Faceless, Kind, Understanding & Tall Guy. (Diary Logs #10)

Hello Readers! It's been a while! So, here's a random post because I thought it was about time to write something! Hope you like it. Sorry for a kind of a depressing post for 2018. But, honestly, does it matter?
Again, it's strictly fictional!


Dear Diary,
I had a dream this morning. I was with someone. A guy. A kind, understanding & tall guy. No one I know from my life & by now, he has just become a smiling person who maybe cared for me. In this dream, we were in the back seat of a cab. I think we both were tired or maybe I was crying. I'm not sure. It was definitely something on the negative note. But, then he leans his head on my shoulder, which is weird because me being shorter than him, it could only cause him back pain. But, he did it anyway. In the 'before', I'd have leaned my head on his, but I didn't. Probably my subconscious was still awake and telling me how to not trust men even if it's a dream. So, I didn't. But, then my face became wet with tears and I don't even know what was the reason. And, impulsively, I touched my hand to his. I think somewhere he knew about all my issues. It felt like he knew me in and out. So, he went ahead and held my hand. It was so perfect sitting there with this faceless, kind, understanding and tall man with our hands intertwined. It was perfect for a moment and then I woke up.

Yes, I woke up. And of course, I started crying first thing on a Sunday morning. And this time I knew why I was crying. I cried because that moment in my dream; that 'perfect moment' was only going to exist in my dreams and never in real life. I felt in every cell of my body how much I wanted it. I remembered how I felt. And I knew that this feeling wasn't real and would never be for me. There aren't men like that faceless, kind, understanding & tall man and there are too many trust & intimacy issues with me and the world. That feeling in the dream was going to stay there because all my hopes of it becoming real someday are far gone. I'm too far gone.

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