Monday, 8 January 2018

That Faceless, Kind, Understanding & Tall Guy. (Diary Logs #10)

Hello Readers! It's been a while! So, here's a random post because I thought it was about time to write something! Hope you like it. Sorry for a kind of a depressing post for 2018. But, honestly, does it matter?
Again, it's strictly fictional!


Dear Diary,
I had a dream this morning. I was with someone. A guy. A kind, understanding & tall guy. No one I know from my life & by now, he has just become a smiling person who maybe cared for me. In this dream, we were in the back seat of a cab. I think we both were tired or maybe I was crying. I'm not sure. It was definitely something on the negative note. But, then he leans his head on my shoulder, which is weird because me being shorter than him, it could only cause him back pain. But, he did it anyway. In the 'before', I'd have leaned my head on his, but I didn't. Probably my subconscious was still awake and telling me how to not trust men even if it's a dream. So, I didn't. But, then my face became wet with tears and I don't even know what was the reason. And, impulsively, I touched my hand to his. I think somewhere he knew about all my issues. It felt like he knew me in and out. So, he went ahead and held my hand. It was so perfect sitting there with this faceless, kind, understanding and tall man with our hands intertwined. It was perfect for a moment and then I woke up.

Yes, I woke up. And of course, I started crying first thing on a Sunday morning. And this time I knew why I was crying. I cried because that moment in my dream; that 'perfect moment' was only going to exist in my dreams and never in real life. I felt in every cell of my body how much I wanted it. I remembered how I felt. And I knew that this feeling wasn't real and would never be for me. There aren't men like that faceless, kind, understanding & tall man and there are too many trust & intimacy issues with me and the world. That feeling in the dream was going to stay there because all my hopes of it becoming real someday are far gone. I'm too far gone.

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